I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Let's get the cat blown out
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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