if you like me you must not know who I am
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
