dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
