He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
