when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
