make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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