Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
