My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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