plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
