So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
