i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
