need another drink. this is the easiest way
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Is this like a preordered booty call?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
