You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Say something about gay babies.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
