So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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