I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
