I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
