How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
