I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
