I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
