I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
