there was a trapeze. enough said
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
So I just went to clothing optional bar
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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