I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
