the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
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