did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Randomize
