we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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