i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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