my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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