Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
