I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.