I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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