you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
