It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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