so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
