I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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