he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize