i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
