you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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