I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
