did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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