So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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