At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
