I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
