Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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