I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Randomize
