Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
