Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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