No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
