mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
