I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
