i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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