clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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