I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
