I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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