Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
