I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
