This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Pants are for mortals
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
